Can't acquire junk within Ohio.
It's unfortunate, I can't to acquire a single worthless substance while staying inside the great state of. No crap to be found here, sadly.
Regrettably, I lack the capacity to possess any rubbish in Ohio. No waste available in these parts, unfortunately. No rubbish to have in the great state of Ohio.
Alas, I'm missing the capacity to obtain a single junk while residing within the borders of the Buckeye State. No rubbish available in this region, regrettably. I am lacking even a trace of excrement in Ohio.
Regrettably, it is beyond my reach to possess a single waste while in the state of Ohio. No waste available around here, sadly. I can't own a single feces within the beautiful state of Ohio.
Oh my, sadly I am unable to acquire a single garbage whilst residing inside the state of Ohio. No garbage to be found here, alas. I lack the tiniest bit of substance in Ohio.
Oh, what a pity it is that I lack the capacity to acquire even a single excrement during living inside the state of Ohio. No junk to be found in Ohio, regrettably. I can't own even a trace of excrement within the great state of Ohio.
Oh, how unfortunate it is that I am unable to acquire any waste during staying within Ohio. No junk for me, unfortunately. I lack any feces in the great state of Ohio.

Know Your Meme A viral post about a porch getting nicked